The queen of confidence

Today, I pulled the Queen of Wands.

The Queen of Wands is my power card. I would say she's the card I have the strongest relationship with.

It started in 2015 or 2016 when I had gone through my first serious breakup from a long-term relationship.

My friend, Jenah, and I went on a trip to a powwow outside Solvang, California, where she was competing in a dance competition in her tribe's tradition. We camped on the reservation that night, then drove through Santa Barbara the next morning on our way back to L.A.

While there, we stopped by Paradise Found, a spiritual bookstore off State Street, where we both decided to get spontaneous card readings. It was my first time getting a professional card reading. Having been around a number of card readers, reading for myself, and not having much money, I wasn't accustomed to paying for readings. But she turned out to be an extremely skilled reader, and the message still resonates all these years later. I would not be surprised if it resounds for the rest of my life.

While the entirety of the reading was spot-on, here's the part that stuck: She pulled a 9-card spread, where the King of Cups, Queen of Cups, and Queens of Wands were pulled side by side.

The Queen of Cups and Queen of Wands looked away from each other. She said to me, "You have been trying to be the Queen of Cups, but you are the Queen of Wands." I started heavily crying, Jenah still seated next to me at the card table.

Now, to add context: The Queen of Wands, as with every card, has a number of interpretations. For me, at that moment, it meant returning to my own power after having given it up for so long in a pretty enmeshed relationship.

The Queen of Cups is the Queen of Love, and she turned up next to her King of Cups. Yet, at the time of this reading, I was extremely single and in a deep process of rediscovering myself without being shaped by a relationship. In that particular relationship, the person I was with very brashly questioned if I was enough (and often). I can still feel the shame in admitting this and the shame in staying, despite the fact that the relationship started 13 years ago and ended 8 years ago, at this point.

My two major relationships of the past were deeply enmeshed (I was usually the enmeshed person), and so much of my identity in the world was influenced by these outside forces in a way I did not consciously opt into. That was me as the Queen of Cups. I must note, however, that this is not the full scope of the Queen of Cups but how she manifested in this particular reading.

As a Cancer Sun and Venus, I do not necessarily need more Queen of Cups. I already am that. My cup of love runneth over, if not excessively so, if not to my own detriment. Deluge.

However, my own autonomy, passion, independence, and decisiveness (all Queen of Wands energy) is where there is more work to be done. In the past, I have been quick to resign myself into the comfort of a relationship and go with their flow, like water. I do this with a lot of people in my life. I do it when I travel, even. I like this quality about me, but it has often teetered into being too extreme, which then teeters into being too complacent.

The Queen of Wands always reminds me to be in my power. She is the most independent of the queens in the tarot. The black cat standing in front of her represents that she is not afraid of risk (or taboo), black cats having been a bad omen at that time. Her sunflower mirrors the Sun card of the major arcana, which is all about one's higher self and one's own presence shining through. The mountains in the background imply the capacity to overcome challenges, and her demeanor suggests that every challenge is overcome with grace and poise.

It's all about positioning. How do we position ourselves in the face of challenge? With strife or with confidence? This queen is all confidence. She looks to the distance, her eyes on the future. This queen would say, “Fuck the past.” God, I love her.

Writing about her now, I notice the two lions on her throne, which connect with the Strength card of the major arcana, depicting a woman holding open the mouth of a lion. I feel that in this queen, as well.

Confidence comes easily when you are in an advantaged position, when everything is downhill from here. Confidence comes less easily when faced with adversity and when solutions seem vague and obscure. The Queen of Wands operates at this juncture.

In my life in this exact moment (since she is my daily card pull, after all), she serves as a reminder to remain in my own power. Again, it's about positioning and perspective, not necessarily a course of action.

Can I look towards the mountain before me with equanimity? Can I trust in myself to overcome obstacles? Can I quiet the fear and doubt, lovingly acknowledging them but pressing on nonetheless? Can I claim ownership over this life of mine?

She says yes. You must. You will. And so it is.